When there are no words
How do you even begin to find your voice when the unspeakable happens? What can ever be said that feels right, appropriate, a true reflection of what has happened or what you are feeling? The phrase “there are no words” really can and does apply in the face of suicide bereavement. Our hope is that by sharing some of the things we did, you may find some sense of ease, even if you can’t find the words to express how you’re feeling.
…have a warm drink
There may be times when you simply can’t utter another word. You’ve said all you can or have to say. You might be facing a barrage of questions from all directions. Some are mirroring the shock you feel: “What happened?!” others are kind and concerned “How are you feeling?” “Do you need anything?” “Tell me how I can help”. And that’s not even taking into account all the questions from what feels like an ever-growing list of officials – police, hospitals, coroners, insurance companies, to name but a few.
At times like these, we want you to know that it is okay to just stop speaking. If you can, allow yourself to sit quietly and let someone else make you a hot drink or, if that is not available to you, to please nourish yourself with a warm cup of tea, coffee, hot chocolate; whatever is soothing for you. Seems simple, but we cannot underestimate how hard this might be. It’s too easy to forget we sometimes need sustenance or warmth when we are just too tired to talk anymore.
…rest
Sometimes when we can’t speak it means we have done as much as we can for the day. It is a sign that we have nothing left to give to the world, not even our voices. So, you may need to rest. Our throats are an emotional centre so you may feel like you have a lump in your throat, or your throat is tight – these are familiar phrases and experiences, but they are truly real. When you feel exhausted, so tired you can’t even speak, please allow yourself to rest. Grief can be a cruel taskmaster, and we often feel like we need to keep going in order to survive. Indeed, the opposite is true. Allow yourself to sit or lie down and if you can, to sleep. Sleep can feel so elusive when we are hurting, but it is incredibly healing and at times allows us a much-needed escape from what has happened.
…move
Grief happens in the body. This is why it can be literally paralysing. We sometimes find we don’t know how to move without visceral pain. The sharpness of the loss can render us immobile. This pain can become stuck in our throat, chest or lungs making speaking impossible.
Moving when grieving asks that we are kind to our fragile selves. When our bodies are frozen and our words are stuck, it may feel healing to slowly and gently move. Gently rocking while hugging yourself, or offering yourself a soothing touch – rubbing your arms or gently patting your thighs, holding your cheeks in the palms of your hands. Even rubbing your neck - just allowing a small movement can really help release some of what feels unbearable. Other options are slowly walking and being aware of your feet on the floor, or if walking feels too much, placing the soles of the feet on the ground and gently lifting your toes. These gentle movements can bring us back to the body, help us ground ourselves and experience some self-compassion.
Useful contacts
Samaritans 24 hour helpline - 116 123
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) - 0300 111 5065
Cruse Bereavement for suicide Helpline - 0808 808 1677
Amparo - 0330 088 9255
At a Loss - office@ataloss.org
Coroners Court Support - 0300 111 2141
Hope Again - 0808 808 1677
Compassionate Friends Helpline - 0345 123 2304
Child Bereavement UK - 0800 028 8840
Department of Work and Pensions Bereavement - 0345 606 0265
Mind Helpline - 0300 123 3393
Papyrus - 0800 068 4141
Winston’s Wish - 0845 203 0405
Clinical negligence
Some people who take their own life are under the professional supervision of a crisis team, hospital, or other medical institution. These people could have been poorly for a long time or maybe only for a short time. While in the vast majority of cases, care leads to people being able to move forwards and manage their mental health, sometimes the medical support doesn’t have the desired outcome despite the correct medical processes and treatment plans. This is devasting for those left behind because their loved one was finally getting support and that gave hope.
Occasionally, for whatever reason, the care plans are not followed properly or are inadequate. If you believe this might have occurred with the care of your loved one, then you might decide to speak to a legal professional who is experienced in this kind of law. Referred to as a clinical negligence lawyer, these professionals can review the individual circumstances and advise as to whether, in their opinion, there could have been a failure to provide an appropriate standard of care to a patient.
You can read more online about this on the Mind website.
If you would like some legal advice we are happy to recommend Forbes Solicitors who have more details on their dedicated web page.
Website: www.forbessolicitors.co.uk
Phone: 0800 689 3206
Contact: Leonie Millard